By Adam J. Pearson
For your amusement, esteemed Abramelin aficionados, I propose a Plot Twist..
I put it forward to you that “A Dark Song” (2017) is not, in fact, a horror movie about the Abramelin Operation…
Instead, it’s a parody of people who change everything about the Rite and tell the rest of us they “completed the Abramelin.”
“So, did you keep the Judeao-Gnostic structure intact?”
“Nah, I swapped in some pseudo-Taoist stuff and a bunch of Chinese characters I found in a white guy’s tattoo shop.”
“Did you have an Oratory, Lodge, Terrace, etc.?”
“Nah, I had like a Triangle room and like a sleepy time room and instead of the Oratory, I had a room with like 5 Chinese Element Circles or something like that.”
“Did you use a silver Almadel for scrying?”
“Nah, but I had like a round rock on the floor, which was pretty neat.”
“Olive oil lamp?”
“Did you keep the daily prayers to God?”
“Nah, cut those out.”
“Make the crown?”
“No, but I did snap a twig for no reason.”
“Wear the different robes?”
“I wore jeans most of the time.”
“Did you bind the 12 Dukes and Kings after the Holy Guardian Angel came?”
“Did you ask for Familiars?”
“Not even one.”
“Did you even work with the Magic Squares?”
“Nah, I talked about them for a bit, but then never mentioned or used them. I mostly just drew tribal tattoos on the ground.”
“Did you add anything to the Rite?”
“Oh yeah, all kinds of stuff.”
“You know, like some blood drinking instead of forgiveness to be more Darq Fluff Edgy.
And like a drowning rite thing.
And I drank a lot of whiskey and swore a lot.
Oh, I also added a bit where I pleasured myself after lying to someone despite repeatedly telling them to stay pure and not lie since it could ruin everything.”
“So… you didn’t do the Abramelin at all then?”
“Oh no, I DID complete the Abramelin, bro. Totally. I finished it TO THE LETTER.”